What I learned from 7 days in Silence
This past week, I spent 7 days in a Buddhist Silent Meditation Retreat in the mountains of Koh Samui, Thailand. A silent retreat is something I’ve wanted to endeavor for a long time now, and when the opportunity arose, I said yes. The initial group consisted of 30-some women and 10ish men- although by the end, we had probably 35 people total.
We spent our days in silent Meditation and Contemplation, with about 6 hours of combined walking and sitting meditation daily, with the most maxing out at about 10 hours. The only time we were able to use our voice was praying the Food Reflection before meals and daily chanting in Pali (language of the Buddha). We also got to hear 2 hours worth of lectures on Buddhism and Meditation techniques throughout the day. Otherwise, our days were completely silent.
We ate 2 vegetarian meals a day; and all eating was finished by noon, with a snack of a banana and tea at 5:30 PM. We slept on wooden beds with wooden pillows, and had to ensure that our bodies were always covered down to elbows and over our knees. No jewelry was to be worn.
The schedule was strict and the same every day (except for the “Great Day of Silence”)- morning bell at 4:30, 30 minutes of seated meditation, 1 hour of yoga, 30 more minutes of seated meditation, followed by breakfast, chores, and some free time. Then back for lecture, 30 minutes walking meditation, and 30 minutes seated meditation. Lunch and a little more free time, then back for lecture, 30 minutes walking, 30 minutes seated, 30 minutes walking, followed by chanting and loving kindness meditation. Evening banana & tea, more free time, and finally ending our days with 30 minutes seated, 30 minutes group walking, and final 30 minutes seated, before lights out at 9.
The experience was humbling above all else. Challenging, to say the least. Yet also extremely powerful, potent, grounding, and impactful. What I feel now, mainly, is a Return to Self, a refreshed excitement and strength for the practice of meditation (along with many new tools to assist my practice), and a massive, newfound appreciation for all of life, in its many flavors and forms.
It feels extremely important to write about this experience and what I’ve learned, in the hopes of remembering it all, making it last, and maybe intriguing a few others. So, without further ado…
What I learned from 7 days in Silence-
What I learned from 7 days in Silence, some of it new learning, and some of it Remembrance, is truly much more than I could ever begin to imagine fitting into the form of pen and paper… but in this moment, I will try my very best.
What I learned- most of all- is that everything is fleeting. Every Single Thing. Every moment, every emotion, every thought, idea, and plan. Every call of a bird, cicada, or ghecco. Every step of my foot, every bodily sensation, every taste of food, and every recollection of a distant memory.
And because of this, I choose to live fully. I choose to feel fully. I choose to breathe it all in, let it tingle my skin, and soak it deep into my bones.
I learned that I actually LOVE LIFE- exactly as it is- and I wouldn’t change a DAMN THING! (Other than to dive deeper into my practices, dedicate more time for them, because they really fucking work & MATTER, and practice more mindfulness in my day-to-day, from the moment I rise, til the moment I rest.
But anyhow… I actually LOVE LIFE! I LOVE chocolate ice cream, I love the pleasure of good, rich, nutritious food. I love getting to walk around naked, dance naked, swim naked, shake naked, pretty much doing anything and everything NAKED! I love dancing in the rain, in the mirror, in public… I love DANCING- period. I love singing and laughing and playing and screaming and all of the above. I love this life, and all of its many flavors and forms, and I intend to live it to the fullest, not holding back.
And although I do absolutely 100% intend to carry on the practices of mindfulness & meditation in my daily life, as well as a few fully silent days/weekends per year, and 1 week-long + retreat annually… I can safely, surely, and securely say- that I do not plan to renounce my name or my belongings in this lifetime- I do not plan to disappear and fall off the face of the earth to meditate in a cave. I do not plan to become a nun. Rest assured, Mom <3
However, I learned that it is now a goal of mine to eventually build myself up to a 30-day Silent Retreat. YES!
I learned that my mind is pretty dang noisy! AND, that I’m not alone in that. It is the prefrontal cortex’s JOB to think, after all. I also learned that I am able to return to the present moment, and quiet the noise, with pure kindness and compassion, and without shaming myself or my mind. I am also extremely grateful, for the extended moments of complete quiet & stillness, that I was able to experience in this space. The moments of epiphany, of feeling God’s touch through the wind brushing my skin. The moments of deep raw, radical, earthshaking emotion- full spectrum. These moments…were so unbelievably special; unlike any intensity I’ve ever felt before; and I am happy to have touched them, even if just for a few breaths. There is now a new caliber of what’s possible.
I learned that I can actually get to know 40-some strangers decently well, without ever hearing the sounds of their voices, or even learning their names at that. I learned how much inspiration can be gained, by experiencing someone exactly as they are- without any need for conversation. How much sweetness, softness, and genuinity can be felt, simply from observing someone’s way of Be-ing.
I learned that although I am able to find the sensation of Home from just about anywhere in the world, or with anyone, because Home is a place inside of me… there are a few places where “Home” is most easily accessed-
1.) The arms of my Love. (Pookie being present is preferred).
Tony Albert Dobbs, I fucking love you.
2.) In Nature
3.) On the Road/Traveling
…Amidst many others.
And although I was reminded how beautiful all of this life-stuff is, and how much I enjoy it- I learned that truly, attachment to any of it, is what causes pain & suffering, because nothing is forever, and nothing is for certain.
But…! I also learned that I get to make the CHOICE, about what I choose to attach myself too, what I choose to love & throw myself into fully, knowing damn well that it could, and likely will, in some way, shape or form- eventually cause suffering of some sorts. And that is okay! That is 100% completely okay, because I choose to live. I choose to love. I choose to freely & fully, feel it all. “The Buddha didn’t say that we SHOULDN’T get attached.. he just told us what would happen when we got attached.
It is now more ingrained than ever before, that everything is temporary. “Im-per-man-ant”. (A word repeated to myself over and over again.)… Except for maybe Love… Not love with a specific other, but L-o-v-e, love. Also synonymous with God if you so please.
Love is everywhere. It is all around us. It is in everything and everyone. Every living, breathing being. Every tree. Every Deep Blue Sea. Every Sunrise & Set. Every Smile, Every Sigh. Love is everywhere. LOVE, is permanent. It is the thread weaved throughout all of life.
…And I don’t know what the Buddha would say about that, but for now, for me, it feels fully True. (& I’ll let ya know if I every change my mind (; )
Moments I want to remember-
Feeling & hearing everything all at once- the gentle breeze, the trees, the critters, every living thing around me near & far- and knowing that it was all God. Feeling God touching me, and it bringing me to deep, deep, intense weeping tears.
Being able to more quickly and easily than ever before in my life, “let it all go”. Just simply saying the word, “impermanent”, and releasing back to my breath.
The first time I saw where the ocean met the sky. And my entire soul lit on fire. I'll never forget that view.
Feeling Pookie jumping on me and licking my face and bursting into tears of joy & missing at the same time.
Group walking meditation at the stupa under the stars.
The girl telling me, when it was all said and done, that I inspired her. Because she saw me crying and holding myself one day in walking meditation. And she thought it was very brave.
Actually sensing that I was walking on water, although mentally I understood the ocean was far far below.
Seeing every tree moving like a psychedelic experience.
The intense pleasurable sensation of feeling and watching my foot make contact with the earth below while in walking meditation.
The first time singing again- pure peace and delight.
The first time dancing (and hearing music) again- sobbing that brought me to my knees.
Practices I’m (re)committing myself to-
Morning Practice. Walking Meditation for 15 minutes & Sitting Meditation for 30. Followed by 20 minutes minimum of yoga asana, depending on my mood, and whatever else I please for that day. If traveling, I will still commit to 5 minutes of Walking Meditation & 10 minutes of Sitting.
Mindfulness. With my meals. With my showers. With doing the dishes. With walking. With the toilet. With everything I do, from when I rise until I rest, I am committing to practicing mindfulness. (Basically, doing one thing at a time only, and being completely present in that thing.)
Phone Awareness. Phone off by 8 PM. Not multi-tasking with my phone (aka mindfulness) - this includes while working and going potty.
Tea. Drinking tea at least once a day.
Rest Time. Laying on my left side for 10 minutes after lunch. Scheduling REST & white space into my days.